The United States is in a very long period of conflict as it attempts to fight the war on terrorism. Many troops have been deployed, and new men and women are sent overseas as others return. Government officials have spoken frequently about the need for military actions. The president has described some of the evil actions of the countries with which we have concerns.

Children probably do not understand the politics of this situation. For many, especially the youngest children, war is a distant event, and they do not pay attention to it. But many others are likely to be confused. They see parents being deployed and leaving their children behind. Seeing children in the news attracts other children’s attention. They may wonder if their own parents will be called to go away. As they hear about deaths of soldiers they may become especially worried. Older children may be confused when they hear differing opinions and recommendations. Many words are being used that are not familiar to children.


Some parents are being deployed
For children whose parents are being deployed, there are special pressures. They need to deal with secrecy, uncertainty, separation, and major changes in their lifestyle. They will not know where the family member is going or when or even if he or she will return. The remaining parent needs to take on different roles. If both parents are in the military, the children may need to adjust to living with other relatives or substitute parents. They need to adjust again when the deployed family member returns home.

When reservists are deployed, it is likely that they will not find themselves in the midst of a community that understands and provides supports for them. They may need to work harder to find help than personnel on bases or in military communities. It may be especially difficult for children who do not have any friends facing the same pressures.


Children may be confused
Most children are likely to be confused by the current events. Their confusion may vary depending on their age. Younger children will hear a number of unfamiliar words and may not understand what they mean. Many children may confuse Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran. They may confuse Osama bin Laden with Sadaam Hussein and other leaders. They also may have a hard time understanding why people are still dying if the war was said to be over.

There are good reasons for children’s confusion; many adults are confused as well. Children, especially younger ones, also confuse fantasy with reality and historic events and figures with current ones. They may connect unrelated current events, such as assuming that the Columbia shuttle disaster or the Northeast blackout was related to the conflict with Iraq. They may be more sensitized to war and violence in general after the events of Sept. 11, 2001.


War may be a new topic for parents
Most parents do not include war in their daily conversations with children. Some never talk about it. Researchers at Purdue University conducted interviews with children and parents beginning several months after the Sept. 11 attacks. Almost 25 percent of parents reported that they never talked to their children about war. Over 40 percent of children reported that they hadn’t had such conversations with their parents. This means that some parents thought they talked about it, but the children either didn’t remember or didn’t recognize the topic. So some parents may need to discuss this topic with their children for the first time, and others may need to repeat some things they have said before.


There are contrasting attitudes about the war
Some people are working hard to prevent or stop war, while others are actively supporting military action. Children will hear about protests and peace marches, and they will hear about speeches and actions to support military action. They will probably want to know how their parents feel about it. Parents should explain how they feel. They can describe what action they are taking. They also can explore with the children how the children can express their own opinions without hurting others. This is a great opportunity to teach children how to get along with people even if they do not agree.


If parents are against the war
The vast majority of children think that war is bad. So they may be comfortable with the decision of parents to oppose war. But they will hear many things in support of war. It can be difficult to speak out against a government decision. Children may not understand how parents can support their country and still disagree with its actions. Parents can talk with the children about the meaning of democracy and the reasons why the parents are against the war.

If the children also oppose the war, it may be helpful to talk to them about expressing their opinions. They are likely to have friends who support the war. Parents can help them learn how to disagree without being disrespectful or disloyal. They can give them opportunities to have a voice. Parents can encourage them to draw pictures or write letters to decision-makers. Let them participate in demonstrations if they are interested.


If parents support war efforts
Parents need to keep in mind that children in general think war is bad. Most parents also think that war is bad, but they may think that it is the best approach in some situations. Children have a hard time understanding that a bad thing might be a good choice sometimes. Parents should explain the reasons they support this war. They should be careful not to teach the children that violence is always the best way to solve problems, though.

If the children also support the war efforts, it would be good to help them learn how to express their opinion while also supporting others. They are likely to have some friends who are against war. They can learn to listen to other people, even if they disagree. Help them find ways to have a voice.


Tips and cautions
• Listen and talk. Let children know that it is okay to talk about war and peace. Listen for misunderstandings. Let the children guide you in the discussions. Remember that this will probably not be only one discussion.

• Consider using books and art to communicate. Children may be able to express ideas in drawings that they cannot put into words. Reading a book about a topic makes it less threatening. It is easier to talk about someone else than to talk about our own feelings.

• Be careful about painting the other side as the enemy. It is more helpful to children to talk about “bad actions” rather than “bad people.” Help them understand that people can choose their behaviors. Even if people have done something bad in the past, they can choose to do something good in the future.

• Help children understand that the United States is not angry with the Iraqi, Afghani, Iranian, or Korean people. Explain that the leaders of our country are upset with the decisions of the other governments.

• Help children understand religious differences. Explain that Islam is a religion that is practiced by many people in the world. Help them understand that most Muslim people are peace-loving and friendly.

• Reassure children without ignoring the horrors of war. Talk about what you and others will do to keep the child safe. Talk about how far away the military actions probably will stay. But do not ignore the terrible things that will happen in the war. Studies show that children care about people in other countries in addition to those in their own country. Support their caring attitudes.

• Teach children about what can be done instead of war. Talk about alternatives. Explain what governments and people can do to make war less likely.


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