Death is hard for adults to understand and accept. It can be harder for children. But parents may need to help families and children deal with death. A child's grandparent dies; the family pet passes away. Death is a fact of life. Parents can help children learn what to do when death happens. It is important to be honest and to help children talk about their feelings. They won't understand everything now, but they will learn more and more as they grow.

Sort out your own feelings before you talk to your children. You may be very uncomfortable talking about death. You could talk to a minister, rabbi, or other helper to deal with your feelings before talking to your children.

Children understand death in different ways as they grow.

• Babies and very little children will not understand the idea of death. But they might notice that adults are sad when someone dies. They also may miss a family member who dies. But these children will not know what death means.

• Older preschool children may understand death at a simple level. They might see it as something that happens to other people. They usually see death as something that can change. Many young children watch cartoons in which animals and people die and then come back to life, so they might be confused about death.

• Between ages 5 and 9, most children begin to realize that death is final. They learn that all living things die. They begin to understand what makes people die. They still might think that death happens to others, not to them or their family. They may believe they can escape death. Children also may think of death as a person. Death may be a skeleton or an angel of death in their minds. Some children have nightmares about these things.

• From ages 10 through the teens, children begin to understand death more fully. They learn that people die and do not come back to life. They realize that all living things die and that they too will die some day. Some teens and preteens will try to see how death fits in their lives. Some will test death. They might take risks with their lives to see what control they have. Others may seek the meaning of life.

Adults can do things that will help children talk about their feelings when someone close to them has died. This can be a difficult time. It is even harder if you and your children are sad at the same time. You may want to protect your children from death. You might think children should not think or talk about it. But all children will learn something about death. They might be confused if they get only part of the story. Here are some ways you can help your children talk about death:

» Pay attention. Listen to your children's questions and ideas. Notice when they want to talk or ask questions about death. Do not ignore the children's questions. They are young, but they have questions now.

» Make sure you know what your children are asking. Sometimes you might want to ask a question in return to help you understand the child's question. You could ask, “What do you think?”

» Try to give short and simple answers. Make sure that your children can understand. Do not use too many words.

» Accept your children's feelings. Let them know it is OK to be sad, angry, or confused.

» Be honest. Do not make up stories or try to hide the truth. You may say that you do not know the answer or that no one knows.

» Share your values. Explain your religious beliefs. It is important to share what you believe, even while your children are very young.

» Do activities with your children to help them understand death.

» Talk with your children about the words used with death. Some of these can be confusing to your children. Some of them can have more than one meaning. For example, some people say, “I just died!” when they were embarrassed. You might say that you "put your dog to sleep." You may also tell your children they need to go to sleep. Help them understand the difference. Ask your children what words they know related to death. You could read some children's books to help find words to use.

There may be some times when death is in the news. That may happen when there is an accident, or during a war. There are some places you can go to get help at those times.

References

Michigan State University Cooperative Extension Program. Children and death: A guide
     for caring adults. Retrieved on Jan. 2, 2007, from
     http://web1.msue.msu.edu/msue/iac/disasterresp/FamilyIssues/E-1944.pdf

National Association of School Psychologists. (2003). Helping children cope with loss,
     death, and grief. Tips for teachers and parents. Retrieved on Jan. 15, 2007,
     from  http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/griefwar.pdf

Tennessee State University Cooperative Extension Program. Teaching your child about
     grief and death. Retrieved on Jan. 2, 2007, from
     http://extension.tennessee.edu/fcs/humandev/kidsmart/teachingAboutGrief.pdf