All parents will need to talk with their children about death. It is best to start talking with children when they are young. That way death does not seem like a secret. You can talk about death during everyday events.

Here are some activities that may be helpful:

• Go on a field trip to a cemetery.
   »  Examine the grave markers. Talk to your children about what happens when a
       dead person is buried. Answer the children's questions.
   »  Look at what people have done around the graves to remember people they
       loved. See if people have left flowers or other items. Talk about how families
       remember people after they die.
   »  You might know someone buried at the cemetery. Talk to your children about
       those friends or family members. Talk about what you could do to remember that
       person.

• Help children understand that changes happen after a death. The changes will happen inside and around a person.
   »  You can help children understand changes that are not reversible, that is,
       changes that cannot be undone. Fill plastic bags with balls of white, yellow, and
       blue playdough. Mix the playdough balls together. Notice how the three colors
       change into one color. Ask the children what they think will change after someone
       they love dies. What will the children do differently? The playdough should be
       green after it is mixed. The white, yellow, and blue balls are not the same any
       more. After a person dies, things are not the same any more either. But children
       can still play with the playdough and make things out of it. And families can still
       be happy after someone dies. The person's family and friends can be normal again,
       but it may be a different normal.

• Relate death to the lifecycle.
   »  Plant a flower/vegetable garden. Have your children watch it grow. Talk to your
       children about how plants grow and die just as people do.
   »  Talk with the children about the different seasons. For example, in spring, seeds
       sprout and plants start to bloom. In the summer, plants grow and are full of color.
       In the fall, plants grow more slowly and start to loose their leaves and color. In
       the winter, plants die or hibernate until next spring when they can grow again.
       Explain to your children that people also grow and die. There is always new life in
       the spring.
   »  Some flowers/vegetables live longer than others. Some plants die and some just
       hibernate in order to grow again in the spring. Have the children observe different
       plants with differing lifecycles.

• Make a collage.
   »  Have your children use a magazine to look for images of life and death or the
       changing seasons. Create a poster using these pictures. Talk with the children
       about why they picked those images and what the images mean to them.

• Talk to an elderly person or older relative who is comfortable talking about death.
   »  Ask the elderly person how he/she feels about death. Ask what words his family
       used to talk about death when he was a child. Ask how the words that people use
       now are different from then. Ask what he hopes people will do when he dies.

• Some pets do not have very long lives. Those pets can help children learn about death.
   »  Read the book, The Tenth Good Thing about Barney by Judith Viorst.
   »  Talk about the story and what might happen when your child's pet dies.

• Have a funeral for a pet who has died, or allow your children to play funeral.
   »  Let the children help to plan the funeral. Take it seriously. Be respectful of your
       children's feelings.
   »  Act out a funeral. This can allow children to be comfortable with their feelings
       about death.

• Attend the funeral of a relative.
   »  It will be easier if the first funeral your child attends is for a more distant relative.
   »  Before the funeral, talk to the children about what will happen.
   »  Let the children stay as long or short as they want.

• Read books about death
   »  SIDS of Illinois. (2004). Books Dealing with Death.
        http://www.sidsillinois.org/images/reading_material/books_childrens.pdf
       This is a list of books for parents to use with children and teens.
       (Categorized by age group.)

   »  Dougy Center for Grieving Children. (1999). 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child.
       Portland, OR: The Dougy Center.
       This book provides simple and practical information for parents. Stories
       come from children and teenagers who have used The Dougy Center for
       Grieving Children.

   »  Fitzgerald, H. (1992). The Grieving Child: A Parent's Guide. New York:
       Simon & Schuster, Inc.
       Sometimes a death occurs before you can talk to your children about the
       topic of death. This book has practical advice for parents and other
       caregivers when they are dealing with a death.

   »  Fitzgerald, H. (2000). The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and
       Their Friends. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
       This book provides practical advice for teenagers and their parents.

   »  Grollman, E. A. (1990). Talking about Death: A Dialogue Between Parent
       and Child. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.
       This book is split into passages that can be read to children. After each
       section, children may have questions. There are guidelines to help answer
       the questions. There is also a list of helpful resources.

   »   Grollman E. A. (1993). Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers: How to
       Cope with Losing Someone You Love. Boston, MA: Beacon Press.
       This book provides guidelines and answers to help teenagers with their
       questions and thoughts. There is also a list of helpful resources.

   »  Schaefer, D. & Lyons, C. (1993). How Do We Tell the Children? New York:
       Newmarket.
       This book is written by a funeral director. It provides helpful advice for
       parents to help them talk to their children.

   »  Stein, S. B. (1974). About Dying: An Open Family Book for Parents and
       Children Together. New York: Walker.
       This book has simple text for the children and helpful answers and
       explanations for the parents.

   »  Wakenshaw, M. & Frankel, H. M. (2002). Caring for a grieving child: Engaging
       activities for dealing with loss and transition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger
       Publications, Inc.
       This book is for parents. It provides play techniques and activities to use
       at home to help a child work through feelings of loss and sorrow that can
       be associated with death.


If a death has occurred:

• Have the child write a good-bye letter or draw a good-bye picture to the person or pet who died. Some suggestions for the children's letters or pictures:
   »  Write or draw about something special about the person or pet.
   »  Write or draw about what they will miss most about the special someone or pet.
   »  Write or draw about the details they remember about this person or pet: How did
       her voice sound? What did her laugh sound like? What did she smell like?

• Have a balloon release.
   »  Write or draw everything your child wants to say. Write about how the child feels
       inside. "Let go" of these feelings by tying the paper to a helium balloon. Then set
       it free.


References