Welcome to the Purple Wagon's general questions and answers section. This section addresses those questions that have been asked frequently of the creators of this site. We hope you find the answers helpful and informative.

Topics within this FAQ section include:
•  Reasons to talk with your child
•  Will this make my child more afraid?
•  Age to start discussions      
•  The amount of news media a child should watch
•  Dealing with your own confusion about the situation
•  Children's reactions and topics of play
  7 yr. old girl, drawing of peace   
  United States-2000

To submit your own questions, email Judith Myers-Walls at jmyerswa@purdue.edu.

Frequently Asked Questions About
Talking With Children About War and Peace

1. Why should I talk with my child about these things? Aren't they really
    things for adults to worry about?
2. Will bringing up the issues of peace and war make my child more afraid?
3. At what age should I start these discussions?
4. How much news about political violence should I let my child see and
    hear?
5. What if graphic news or images are broadcast on TV, radio, or Internet
    without warning?
6. What if I'm afraid and confused? How can I help my child feel safe if I
    don't feel that way?
7. What if my child seems really afraid or too upset to do everyday things?
8. What if my child acts like s/he doesn't care about war or people getting
    hurt?
9. What about war toys and war play?
10. What if my child's teachers say something that I don't agree with?





1. Why should I talk with my child about these things? Aren't
              they really things for adults to worry about?
War is an unpleasant topic of conversation, especially with children. Talking about peace be difficult, too, because it is hard to define. These are adult issues, and adults make the decisions about war and peace. But children live in the same world and are exposed to many of the same things. Adults cannot assume children don't know anything. Children hear bits and pieces of news, or they may experience many images of war and peace. Often, they will be confused about what they have heard and seen. They need help understanding the words and learning how to look at the situations.

Parents need to think about their own values related to war and peace. Then they should talk about those values with their children. Parents who do not talk with their children about these difficult topics may be teaching their children that it is not okay to ask any questions about war and peace. The children may learn to keep their fears, their misunderstandings, and their confusion to themselves.






2. Will bringing up the issues of peace and war make my child
               more afraid?
Children may be most afraid if they hear a little bit about an event and make up their own stories to explain the rest. Parents can help children to reduce fear. When parents talk to children about war and peace, it is helpful to make the conversations simple. Follow the children's lead. Answer their questions. You might want to “open the door” by saying that you heard something scary happened today. Then you could ask if they had heard anything about it or if they had any questions. Do not try to force a conversation or give a lecture. Try not to focus only on bad things that could happen. Ask what they think and how they would explain what happened. Correct their misunderstandings. Help to get rid of unnecessary fears. Stop when the children are done, but tell them you can talk again at other times.






3. At what age should I start these discussions?
Children as young as three have been found to know something about war and peace. But the thoughts of very young children are often confused and include misunderstandings. It helps if parents and other adults talk with the children and answer their questions. Start with finding out what the child knows. Asking children to draw pictures or use puppets may be helpful ways to discover what the child is thinking and feeling. Young children will probably be most concerned about their safety and the well-being of others. Adults can help those children learn how to stay safe. Adults can also help children learn to understand words that are new. And they can help children learn where political violence is occurring.

When talking about war and peace, follow the child's lead. Answer questions and begin with a small amount of information. Add more information if the child is interested. Recognize that you will need to talk many times about these topics. Be ready to have many short discussions as the child learns new things and thinks of different questions.






4. How much news about political violence should I let my child
              see and hear?
Only families with no TV, radio, newspaper, or friends will be able to totally control children's exposure to news. It is important to be aware of and appropriately limit what the children are exposed to, but you won't have total control. Try to help children process what they see and hear.

Limit TV exposure of young children. The younger the children, the less they will benefit from the news coverage. Young children are likely to lose patience quickly with the constant news reporting when a major event has occurred. They probably will not watch for long. However, some of the reporting is likely to include a large amount of action footage that gets children's attention. Parents can encourage the children to watch children's videos instead, or, better yet, they can turn off the TV and go outside or play a game.

It is good for older children to learn about current events. But intense news coverage may not be the best way to learn. A better way to help them become aware of political violence may be with print media. Newspaper pictures are not as disturbing as video. It is also possible for adults to preview a newspaper before showing it to the child. Previewing cannot usually happen with live TV.

Adults often feel a strong need to know what is happening when major events occur. You need to be careful not to forget the children, though. Take care of your own needs for information separately from the child. Watch or listen to the news when the young and school-age children are in bed or in school. Talk about the situation with other adults when the children are busy with a different activity.

No matter what the child's age—or the adult's—it is important to avoid spending the entire day watching the news coverage. Return to a normal routine and remind yourself there are still ordinary things in your life, such as dishes to be washed, going to school, and birthday cards to send. This will help parents be more relaxed and supportive and will help children move out of the crisis mode.

If teachers allow their students to watch the news during school, it should be for limited times. Teachers do not know what kind of information will be given during a live broadcast, so it is difficult to plan a lesson around it. Allow students to read print media for a more in-depth look at what is happening and for more control over the content intensity and amount.






5. What if graphic news or images are broadcast on TV, radio,
              or Internet without warning?
When political violence becomes breaking news, TV and radio stations and Internet providers may broadcast information and updates with no warning. Some parents may normally be very careful about what the children watch or hear, but they can't control breaking news. It is hard to know what to do when this happens. First, parents should be careful not to make the coverage more powerful by jumping up and turning off the TV, radio, or computer with a lot of emotion and try to pretend nothing happened. It may be good to turn it off quickly, but then find out what the child saw and heard. Maybe the child did not see anything. You can just explain that something was coming on that you did not need to watch. But if the child saw a little bit of the event, talk about it. If the child is old enough to understand more, watch more coverage together. Be aware of your own reaction. Your child will learn a lot by watching how you react.






6. What if I'm afraid and confused? How can I help my child feel
              safe if I don't feel that way?
Studies show that how well the parents cope with difficult events predicts how well the children will cope. This is true when dealing with death, divorce, and many other stressful events. But parents cannot always cope well. One of the first steps in helping children is to take care of your own needs. Find supports for yourself. Talk with someone about your feelings and find a way to feel safe. Learn about the event and become informed. Think about your values and what is most important to you. Concentrate on the things that matter to you.

Your child does not need you to have all the answers, but you can share your feelings and you can help the child learn how to find information. You can say you are afraid, but tell the child what you do when you feel that way. You can tell your children how you find support and information. It is hard to assure the children that nothing bad will happen to them when you feel afraid, but you do not need to make that promise. Just tell the children that you will do everything you can to keep them safe.






7. What if my child seems really afraid or too upset to do
               everyday things?
Political violence can cause a lot of stress for children and parents. Some children may cry more and have nightmares. Others may be afraid to be away from their parents and may not want to go to school. Many children may have trouble sleeping or may never be hungry or may want to eat all the time. These are normal reactions to stress. Parents can help children deal with the stress by listening to the children, keeping a regular schedule, and being gentle with them.

Some children may need extra help with dealing with stress, though. Maybe the children have serious problems with eating and sleeping. Maybe they cannot stop crying. Maybe they are always afraid. If the children are not able to do the things they need to do each day, and if the things the parents are trying are not helping, it is time to look for outside help. A counselor or therapist may help the children deal with the stress and fear.






8. What if my child acts like s/he doesn't care about war or
              people getting hurt?
Some children pretend they don't care, and other children really do not care. There are different reasons they may do this. Many adolescents want to show that they are strong and are not afraid. Some may say they don't care at first but then gradually realize how important the event is. Parents cannot make children feel one thing or another, but they can be available and supportive. You can let the children know that any feelings they are having are all right. You can let them know they do not need to put up a front. Recognize feelings may change as children learn more and become accustomed to the situation. Tell older children how you feel. Explain how other people feel. In the end, though, let children be in charge of their own feelings.

Some children who have many other stresses going on in their lives are not affected much by political violence far away. They may have a lot of violence in their own homes or neighborhoods. In addition, some children who have been hurt badly have not learned how to care about other people. It is more important for them to deal with the needs around them than to worry about things that are far away. These children can learn from current events, though. Talk about how other people feel and help them relate the feelings of others to their own feelings. Help them learn to deal with violence by helping other victims. Those victims could be in their own neighborhoods or far away.






9. What about war toys and war play?
Children often learn to understand events through play. They act out what has happened so that they can figure things out. In the same way, they often play war when political violence is in the news to figure it out. Toys that are made just for war play are not usually good toys, however. Most war toys are made only for that purpose, and they are not creative toys. Good toys allow children to play with them in many different ways. Many war toys also encourage children to play in aggressive ways and can lead to problems with children getting along together.

When children use play to deal with their feelings about war, they should be able to act out the violence and then transform the play from a scary, destructive purpose to a nonviolent, peaceful one. That may help them feel safer and in control. So if children make a gun out of blocks or a stick, they can also make those same materials into a building or a tree. Parents may want to play with the children so that they can learn what the child is thinking and so that they can help the child change the scary play into peaceful play. Even children who always want to play war or blow things up can learn some new ways to play if parents play with them.






10. What if my child's teachers say something that I don't
                 agree with?
Children learn about war and peace from many different sources. One place they learn is at school. It is difficult for teachers to talk about current or past events without expressing their own feelings and values. Sometimes those values will be different from the values of the children's parents. This can be uncomfortable for parents.

Parents should be reassured that, if they talk to their children about values, they will have much more power than teachers. Children are usually much closer to their parents than to their teachers and care more about what they think, and parents have many more chances than teachers do to teach their values to their children. So a teacher who expresses a conflicting value to a child a few times probably will not change what a child thinks if a parent has expressed his or her values many times.

When a parent is concerned about what a teacher is saying in the classroom, it is usually helpful for the parent to meet with the teacher. Don't talk to the teacher in front of the child or in a public setting. The child should learn to respect both the parent and the teacher. He or she can learn that parents and teachers do not always agree, but children would not understand all the issues in the discussion that the adults may have.

Parents should ask teachers to respect a variety of views. Not all children come from families that support military solutions to political violence, just as not all children come from families that protest against military solutions. If the teacher refuses to respect the family's views, the parents may want to talk with an administrator.

Dealing with different views of teachers is also an opportunity to teach a child about diversity of views. Parents can talk with the child about agreeing and disagreeing with others. They can help the child understand that a person can like someone and also disagree with them. It is OK to respect a teacher but not believe everything the teacher believes.

One recommendation for dealing with traumatic events is to take some action. What are some actions children and parents can take to help them cope following events of political violence?

Young children benefit from play. They may act out the events in the news and try to get control over the outcome. Some play activities related to political violence are building houses and knocking them down (and building them back up), pretending to shoot or drop bombs, hiding toys in a pile of blocks or in the sand and searching for them, pretending to be rescue workers or drawing pictures of war and peace.

School-age children may want to help collect materials to support relief workers; draw, write poems, or letters; prepare a performance, such as a play, dance, or skits; write letters to children in the affected communities or those who have lost loved ones; or learn about politics or geography.

Adolescents can help collect materials for the support of refugees and survivors, give blood, write letters to specific people or communities, organize a vigil or memorial service, or study politics, geography, terrorism, or reconciliation and mediation.

Young adults can reach out to people in their community from different countries and cultures and organize discussion groups or action groups. They may want to study the history of the United Nations, the effectiveness of safety efforts, or inter-cultural relationships.

Parents and caregivers can take action to help children feel that the adults around them are working to make political violence less likely. Because almost all children believe that war is bad, parents who work to prevent war and terrorism may make their children feel safer than parents who focus on retribution or destruction of others. Parents may join a reconciliation group, connect with people of other ethnic groups, attend public gatherings for prayer or solidarity, or support a mediation program in their community.



Sources 

     Materials written and compiled by Mary Schultheis and Judith Myers-Walls.