Talking with Children When the Talking Gets Tough

Judith A. Myers-Walls
Extension Specialist, Purdue University

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Natural Disasters

Floods, tornados, ice storms, earthquakes, and wildfires are all primarily natural events. People cannot control when, where, or how severely they occur. They often seem random and cruel. Adults have a difficult time dealing with weather disasters, and it can be very challenging to decide how to help children at those times.

Some families will need to deal with loss or damage and repair to their own home or their children’s school or childcare setting. Some may have been injured themselves. Others will have close friends or family members who are dealing with damage and loss of health, life, or property. Still others will not have a direct connection to the event, but may hear about the disaster. Each of those groups faces a unique set of challenges in helping children and youth to cope during times of natural disasters.

Families Experiencing Direct Loss

Monitor your own feelings. Take time to examine your own reactions and emotions. You probably are very busy with things like finding ways to take care of your family’s immediate needs, taking inventory, dealing with insurance companies, talking to concerned friends and family members, and figuring out how the disaster will affect your work. Decide if you will be able to talk with your children about the event now. If you are too busy, too upset, or too hurt to talk to your children, find someone who can be there for the children. At least take the time to hug your children and let them know you love them. You will need to talk about this event at some point. Let your child know that you will be available now or when the immediate crisis is over.

Assess how much the child has lost. Look closely at the child’s life and talk with him. Natural disasters may destroy a child’s home, school, church, childcare setting, or other familiar place. Adults might remind children that it was only a building that was lost, but that building may have been a place that felt comfortable and secure for the children. For older children, the location may have held a number of memories. Even if older children claim to be happy because a place like a school is gone, they may need to mourn the loss of routine and get used to a new place. It is also possible that many objects have been lost, such as toys, pictures, clothing, and furniture. Again, familiar items provide familiarity and may hold memories. The hardest losses to deal with are pets and friends. If children have not dealt with death before, adjusting to the aftermath of a disaster that resulted in fatalities may especially difficult for them.

Accept the child’s need to mourn. It is normal and healthy for children to be sad at a time like this. They may need and want to cry, scream, cling to you, be alone, or escape the situation. Some children will want to talk over and over about the home, toys, pet, or places that are gone. Other will seem to refuse to talk about them. Many children will go from one kind of reaction to another at different times. That is normal. Do not try to take away the sad or angry feelings or tell a child that she should feel something else. Listen to the child’s reactions. It will take time for all of you to deal with the event.

Help the child say goodbye. Attend memorial services or create your own. Make a box to collect fond memories of the house that is now gone. Make a scrapbook to remember the pet that was lost. Look at photos, draw pictures, and write poems. “Remembering is the heart of grief work.”

Do not try to replace the lost things right away. Give the child a time to grieve and say goodbye. For very young children, replacing a lost security blanket or stuffed animal might be helpful. For most children past toddlerhood, however, it is difficult to provide a direct replacement for a special item. If a pet or special toy is gone, talk with the child about what to do. Plan ahead, and let the child choose a replacement – if that is what the child wants to do.

Find a new routine as soon as you can. If much was lost, your life will no longer be the same. If the parents normally read bedtime stories, keep doing it even if the family is now in a hotel, at a relative’s house, or in a shelter. Try to keep mealtimes if you can, and eat similar food. Keep rules for children’s behavior consistent.

Families Whose Close Friends and Families are Experiencing a Loss

Talk to the children about what has happened. Help them learn she is safe, if she is. Let the child ask questions. Visit the people and places that were affected. Help the child understand.

Find ways that you can help. Include the children in making meals, cleaning up, offering replacement items, and helping the friends and relatives in other ways. Let them look at the damage and ask questions. Let children invite their friends to play. Prepare them for the fact that the friends may be sad.

Give the child a chance to help friends grieve. Explain why your families and friends are sad. Teach the child to listen as the others talk about their loss. Offer to help with special ceremonies to say goodbye to what is lost.

Teach older children/youth to recognize signs of serious stress or depression. Disasters can be very difficult for young people to deal with. When they are overwhelmed, they are likely to go to friends for help before they go to adults. Teach teens and older children to recognize signs of depression or other indications that a person needs help. Know how to help those teens find resources that are available to those who need professional assistance.

Children and Families Observing Disasters at a Distance

Reassure young people and help them feel safe. When tragic events occur, children may be afraid that the same will happen to them. It is important to let them know that they are not at risk – if they are not. Try to be realistic as you reassure them, however. You can try to support them and protect the, but you can not keep all bad things from happening to children, especially weather disasters. You can always tell them that you love them, though. You can say that, no matter what happens, your love will be with them. That is realistic, and often that is all the children need to feel better.

Help children learn safety procedures. Help children learn what to do if a storm threatens or if they suspect a fire. Practice fire and tornado drills at home, school, and other settings. Remind children that they can do things to keep themselves safer.

Support children’s concern for people they do not know. Children often are afraid not only for themselves, but also for people they do not even know. They learn that many people are getting hurt or are experiencing pain in some way. They worry about those people and their well being. In some cases they might feel less secure or scared for themselves if they see that others are hurting. It is heartwarming and satisfying to observe this level of caring in children. Explore ways to help others and ease the pain.

Look for feelings beyond fear. After reassuring kids, don’t stop there. Studies have shown that children also may feel sad or angry. Let them express that full range of emotions. Support the development of caring and empathy.

All Families

Be available and “askable”. Let kids now that it is okay to talk about the unpleasant events. Listen to what they think and feel. By listening you can find out if they have misunderstandings, and you can learn more about the support that they need. Make sure they know that talking about the disaster is not taboo. You do not need to explain more than they are ready to hear, but be willing to answer their questions.

Help children and youth find a course of action. One important way to reduce stress is to take action. This is true for both adults and children. The action may be very simple or more complex. Children may want to help with clean-up. They may want to write a letter to someone about their feelings, get involved in an organization committed to preventing events like the one they are dealing with, or send money to help victims or recovery workers. Let the young person help to identify the action choices. They may have wonderful ideas.

Take action and get involved in something. It is not enough to let children take action by themselves. Children who know that their parents, teachers, or other significant caregivers are working to make a difference, feel hope. They feel safer and more positive about the future. So do something. It will make you feel more helpful, too. And hope is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children and ourselves.

Share your feelings. Tell young people if you feel afraid, angry, or frustrated. It can help them to know that others also are upset by the events. They might feel that only children are struggling. If you tell them about your feelings, you also can tell them about how you deal with the feelings. Be careful not to overwhelm them or expect them to find answers for you.

Help children use creative outlets like art and music to express their feelings. Children may not be comfortable or skilled with words, especially in relation to difficult situations. Using art, puppets, music, or books might help children open up about their reactions. They may want to draw pictures and then destroy them, or they could want to display them or send them to someone else. Be flexible and listen.

Source:
Miller, S.D. (2000).
Mourning and dancing for schools: A grief and recovery sourcebook for students, teachers and parents.
Deerfield Beach, FL; Health Communications.