Mary Pilat
Purdue University 4-H Department
Many young people experience high levels of stress. One manifestation of teen stress is depression, now considered a widespread problem among American adolescents. This fact sheet offers suggestions for communicating with and supporting distressed young people.
A study of 2,000 Minnesota teenagers found that when they experience stress, most try to handle it alone or talk to other young people about it. Relatively few turn to adults. One reason is that adults tend to discount or underestimate young people's pressures and problems. All too often, children's and teens' efforts to communicate intense feelings are denied, rationalized, or ignored by parents, physicians, school personnel, and other adults.
Help is essential during the early stages of distress to help prevent depression. But, as previously noted, teens may not contact an adult until the later stages of distress, if at all. So, if you are aware of a youngster in distress, reach out yourself or arrange for someone else to do so.
Losing self-esteem is a major source of depression for young people. Providing opportunities for them to boost their self-esteem is important. Give them encouragement and attention; let them know you are aware of their strengths; and permit them to express opinions and emotions. Avoid blame and criticism.
Unfortunately, distressed people tend to withdraw from contact with others. Arrange for or urge a distressed teen to attend activities with other people, even if she or he does not feel like it. You may need to enlist the support of other teens to achieve this. "Shunning" a depressed (or otherwise troubled) person is not unusual, either because we feel awkward or because the depressed person is not very good company. Participating in activitieseven if they are not enthusiastic about goingcan be good therapy for distressed youngsters.
A distressed teenager is in many ways like a difficult child. Anyone trying to communicate with a distressed youth should not be surprised at, or take personally, irritable responses and rebuffs. Remember that young people have many stressors in their lives and if unable to cope they may become depressed. Mild depression is a healthy reaction to many life situationssuch as losses in the short-term.
Help them to appreciate that their feelings are not strange or terrible. However, if the depression lasts beyond a couple of weeks, or if the person has given up hope, or has threatened self-harm, professional help should be arranged.
Telling a youngster "don't worry" or "cheer up, everything will be all right" is not a real help. It may actually be a disservice; everything probably is not all right. Teens in distress don't need suggestions that the crisis will dissolve. Rather, let them know you are willing to work with them in finding a solution.
An important way to deal with stress is to talk about it with someone. Denying or ignoring feelings of anger, guilt, fear, and sorrow that accompany stress can lead to emotional or physical difficulties. Just knowing that someone is aware of the stress, hurt feelings, worries, or difficult decisions and cares can mean a great deal. Talking things out helps relieve tension and may help clarify the situation.
A study of bereaved people found that nearly half of the sympathy gestures consisted of adviceand were rarely considered helpful. In contrast, short, neutral questions that expressed concern and willingness to listen were felt to be helpful for example, "Would you like to talk about it?" or "You sound upset." Listening is perhaps the most important communication skill.
Ask questions that help the person review and sum up his or her situation. Understanding the source of distress is one of the best means of freeing ourselves of its effects.
To an important degree, we create our feelingsincluding distress and despairby how we perceive or interpret our experiences and circumstances.
In his work with depressed clients, therapist Aaron Beck has them work out short lists of daily "assignments"simple but meaningful tasks they will be able to complete. Instead of lying around feeling they can do nothing, they are encouraged to move from one small accomplishment to another. This helps them overcome the illogical assumption that there is no effective way they can act. Encourage depressed teens to keep busy at such activities and to review the pleasure from each.
Another aspect of behavior management may be gentle prods to keep up appearance and to continue health and hygiene practices. Deeply distressed persons who have lost interest in life may simply quit doing these essential tasks.
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